Online Dating 101

Since I was all of 20 years old when I was single last, I have never had the pleasure of experiencing online dating.  We are talking 2004, when online dating was only for the desperate.  Not to mention that the dating pool in college is infinite so finding someone to date or for the night required nothing more than an evening out at the bar with friends.  I have heard the horror stories from my single friends for years about bad dates, random ghosting, and other bizarre behavior from strange men.  But I never truly knew all that encompassed this new era of dating.  At times it feels like you’re shopping for a person, or job hunting and you want to land the interview.  You get offended when someone so coldly dismisses you, but you turn around not more than 5 seconds later and do the same to someone else.

Here is what I have observed about most of the guys out there:

You must like fishing and dogs – When scrolling through a guy’s profile you are bound to find the token fishing picture.  The white guy on a boat with a backwards hat, a huge grin and very large fish in his hands.  That can usually be followed up with the picture of his fur baby.  Sometimes both in one shot.  This is the guy that “loves the outdoors, hangin with friends and drinking beer”.  He is also the guy that wants to just “have some fun and see where it goes”….translation – “nothing serious and I will probably stop calling you after a couple dates”.

You take more selfies than I do –  I love it when I read a profile that states that he “doesn’t find your duck face appealing”.   As if girls are so vein and just spend their days taking selfies.  I don’t know very many men that love to take selfies  but apparently they are secretly taking lots when no one is looking.  The usual finds:

  1. The car selfie – Because you look great driving with that seat belt on.
  2. The bathroom mirror selfie – You work out and are proud…I would love to know how many pictures you just snapped to get that perfect angle.
  3. The laying in bed selfie – Just a little preview of how my night could end.
  4. The office / construction selfie – Because you weren’t lying that you have a job.
  5. The look into the distance selfie – So you can fool me into thinking you don’t take selfies (I actually witnessed a guy do this at a restaurant just before the girl he met online walked in to greet him!  Face…PALM!).

Important lesson:  Do not trust the guy who ONLY has selfies.  It’s usually a red flag.

You want me to know you love kids – There is almost always a picture that includes a small adorable child to let me know you could be marriage material one day.  But then it is followed by a disclaimer that it is NOT YOUR KID!  Phew!  Thanks for the heads up buddy!

You’re just looking for someone awesome – Well who isn’t?

While the profiles themselves are very unoriginal so are the initial greetings.  Greetings such as “Hi” and “How are you?” are common.  Since I usually am already turned off by this greeting I naturally respond back with the same level of effort: “Hi, good. You?”  Now we’re off to a great start.  Now one of two things will happen: absolutely nothing further, or the mandatory small talk which is not my strong suit.  Here lies my issue.

I find that the normal, put together guys that are good on paper have nothing to say.  Conversation is usually on favorite cuisine, beverage of choice and the places we have traveled lately.  Further than that there isn’t much to be said before I get bored of the conversation or I say we should meet because if we aren’t there is no way I can keep this up much longer and maybe it will be easier in person.  The ones with plenty of baggage are the ones who have tons to say.  This also happens to be something I am much more comfortable discussing.  I want to talk about something of substance and since most of the men I talk to are also single parents the topic is typically toxic relationships.  This is where I shine.  I have this instinctual need to take care of people and encourage them to find happiness.  By the end of the week I am emotionally attached to this person.   Not long after I find out in person that he is even more damaged and broken than I am and I am in no condition to handle that right now  (ehem…guy living in a halfway house!!).  I am not even home from the date before I am browsing through more profiles….NEXT!

I am not even sure why I do it but its like a shopping addiction you just can’t kick.  You didn’t find what you were looking for so you keep looking.  I like going out and being told I am beautiful just as much as the next girl.  I am in no position to be in a relationship right now but a little fun with a nice normal guy would be nice (refer to the previous post about being alone).

In the meantime, I will be admiring all the selfies.


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